


Lex Luthor Stars In:The Thing That Ate Smallville!

by ingridmatthews



Category: Smallville
Genre: Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-28
Updated: 2009-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-05 09:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/40200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ingridmatthews/pseuds/ingridmatthews





	1. Lex Luthor Stars In

Lex Luthor Stars In: "The Thing That Ate Smallville!"

by ingrid

* * *

Or: "How I Learned To Love Living In My Own B-Movie"

****

Part One: The Mad Scientist

There were three things Lex Luthor never wanted to see anywhere near his breakfast table ... ever. Those were grapefruit juice, frozen waffles and, most of all, Dr. Steven Hamilton.

The first two things the cook had well under control. The last one, well, that was something he'd to have to work on. Soon.

Right after he kicked Hamilton's ass to the curb ... again.

"Tell me, Doctor, what part of I Never Want To See You In Person Again don't you understand?" Lex took a sip of his tea, hot and very sweet. At least that turned out all right. "It's not a difficult concept. I fail to see how a smart man can't bring himself to comprehend it."

Hamilton's reply was abrupt. "I've made a breakthrough."

Lex was less than delighted. "So have I. It's called e-mail. Ever hear of it? Learn it, use it, love it."

Hamilton shook his head, visibly agitated. "No. This was the sort of breakthrough you had to see. Unfortunately ..."

Oh, wait. _Unfortunately?_ "Go on," said Lex slowly.

Hamilton hands pulled at the hem of his bedraggled jacket. "It was an accident. Of course, most scientific breakthroughs are accidents, so that part's not too out of the ordinary. But ..."

Lex grew inordinately impatient. "Get to the point."

"I was having some Jell-O at my desk. Lime Jell-O to be precise." Hamilton pulled out a chair and sat at the table, a move which annoyed Lex to no end. "I wasn't in the sterile zone, and next to me were some meteor fragments that I thought were cold but ..."

"Sometime in this century, please."

"When I came back a few hours later to throw out the leftovers I saw the Jell-O move. I did some tests immediately and made an astonishing discovery."

"And that would be?"

Awe, reverence and terror all competed for their spot in Hamilton's voice. "It was alive."

"It was alive," Lex repeated numbly. "The Jell-O was alive."

"All the signs of life were there. Osmosis, cell division, the works."

Lex stared at him but saw nothing. Anger was turning everything around him into large, crimson splotches. "You brought a fucking bowl of Jell-O to life. With my money."

"Do you have any idea what this means? I mean, do you really understand the implications of such a find? These rocks ..."

"I did NOT fund research into the animation of dessert foods! Tell me I didn't do this!"

"Stop being so close-minded!" Hamilton was practically aglow with righteous scientific indignation. "The object isn't the point. The point is, something, a _living_ something has been created out of ..."

Lex wasn't listening. "Shut up. Just shut up and show this thing to me."

"That's the problem. I was on my way here with it when ... " Hamilton's hands went back to their wringing. "It disappeared. I looked everywhere, but it's gone. "

"Gone?"

"Gone."

"I see. Excuse me for a moment." Politely, and Lex picked up a vase on the way to the pool table. Placed it in the middle and reached for a cue. Three short whacks later, the vase lay scattered throughout the room in chunks of various sizes and shapes.

There. That was better. Much, much better.

If Hamilton was disturbed by this display of Luthor temper, he didn't show it. "You can break everything you want to, Lex, but I think a smart man's priority would be to find this discovery and fast."

Lex had an acidic reply on the tip of tongue when his cell phone rang. "Luthor," he snapped into the receiver. His voice softened. "Yes. Right. Okay ... okay, Lana. Don't panic. I'm sure it's nothing to get upset over. Of course, I'll be right there. Right. See you."

He flipped the phone shut. "Your experiment's been found, Doctor."

Hamilton brightened excitedly. "Where is it?"

"It's at the Talon. No, let me clarify that." Lex raised eyes that he knew were burning a hole right through Hamilton's skull. "The Talon is inside of it."

"What?"

"It appears that Dr. Hamilton's Lime Jell-O Meteor Rock Surprise has devoured the Talon Coffee Shop. Which happens to be MY major investment in this damned town."

"Oh." Hamilton scratched his head. "Then you have two investments colliding, I'd say. One of them being infinitely more valuable than the other. And I'm not talking about some java hut."

A lightning fast _crack_ and the pool cue was broken in half over Lex's knee. He threw the two pieces aside. "Go back to Metropolis, Doctor," he said. He grabbed his jacket before striding out the den's double doors. "Wait for my call. And be prepared to dislike what you're going to hear."

* * *

  
****

Part Two: The Creature Emerges!

When Lex made it to Main Street, he saw Lana Lang standing at the forefront of gathered onlookers outside the Talon.

Typically, she was being useless. "This is strange," she kept repeating in her whispery voice. "Very, very, strange."

Lex sighed. How did his cockeyed adoration of Clark put him in business with this girl anyway? "Don't be upset, Lana," he said, patting her on the back and leaving her to her mumbling. "I've got my crew on the job."

Lex's emergency Hazmat team from the plant -- grown efficient with practice -- was already suited and briskly working away. The Talon was covered in a fine translucent slime, neon green in color and the heavily protected team snuck toward it for samples, falling back every time the gooey mass wriggled in displeasure at being touched.

Lex's back was to the crowd. He heard them murmuring, no doubt deciding if they should use torches, axes or both when storming his castle. Try as hard as he might, he wasn't going to win any popularity contests any time soon.

And, as cavalier as he tried to be about the town's disdain, it still hurt. His borderline pariah status also frightened him, for more reasons than one.

He jumped at the tap to his shoulder. Could a pitchfork in a sensitive area be far behind?

Thankfully, it was Clark. "Lex, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

Clark looked pale, as well as fearful. For some reason, this made Lex feel stronger, more in control. He was going to fix this thing, no matter what, for Clark.

The protective urge was a wonderful thing. "Before coming to Smallville? Clark, I have a long list of things I've never _dreamed_ of before I moved here. Don't worry. My men will take care of it."

"Tell them to be careful. You know Mr. MacGuire, the sugar delivery guy? He got slimed by it while in the basement. He's okay; just freaked out, but he said it tasted like lime Jell-O."

Lex was going to kill Hamilton. He really was. "Remind me to have his medical bills taken care of."

"I think we need to take care of this thing first. I wish we could find out more about it."

The voice of Jonathan Kent interjected to Lex's left, making him jump again, this time for a good reason. "I'm sure Lex knows _all_ about it, son."

Nastily, and Lex winced. Here we go. "Mr. Kent ..."

Clark was immediately outraged. "Dad! Lex doesn't even eat Jell-O."

Not true, but Lex felt a rush of warmth at Clark's indignant defense. So sweet. And so very clueless.

Jonathan Kent didn't look impressed. "That's very elitist of him."

Amazing. In the face of all this, Clark's father _still_ had the time and will to berate him. Simply astonishing. "Mr. Kent," said Lex. "I assure you I'm doing all I can to take care of this situation. May I remind you that I'm the one who stands to lose all his money if this ... thing ... destroys the Talon."

"All your money?" Jonathan said. "I find that hard to believe."

"Believe what you will, Mr. Kent," Lex sighed. Life was rapidly growing too short to give a damn about Jonathan Kent's opinion of him, as much as he admired what the man stood for. As long as Clark cared, then Jon Kent could tie his Big Book of Platitudes around his waist and jump in the nearest creek.

If Lex was in a good mood he'd call 911, but from now on that was it.

"Dad, I think Mom is calling for you over there." Clark gently nudged his father toward the crowd. "You'd better back up and let Lex take care of this."

The elder Kent grunted but listened to his son. Not without bestowing upon Lex his patented "I Hate Luthors" glare for good measure first.

Clark rubbed Lex's shoulder, aiming to comfort. "Don't worry, Lex. I know this isn't your fault."

Shockingly, the gentle touch did that and more. Lex glanced at the hand he normally would have shoved off with an angry threat if it'd belonged to anyone else.

But this. Clark's hand ... his shoulder ... it all seemed to fit.

How scary. How truly terrifying.

The green mass burbled loudly, distracting Lex and eliciting a gasp of fear from the crowd. The LuthorCorp Hazmat team scattered again, its captain running over to Lex, breathing hard inside his suit.

"What's the deal, Harris? Why is it making those noises?"

"I have no idea, Mr. Luthor. But if I had to give an educated guess, I'd say it has gas."

"Gas? As in stomach gas?"

"Possibly. But we haven't detected a stomach. However, we have seen an entire case of baked goods being absorbed into it. The pies went particularly quickly."

Pies. The thing from Hamilton's lab ate pies. Wonderful. "Okay, now that we know it's not interested in the taste of human flesh, how do we get rid of it?"

The contained shoulders shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine, Mr. Luthor. It seems to want to stay where it is. Maybe once the pies run out we can put down a trail of them out of town? It's either that or call the army."

Lex's stomach plunged to somewhere around his ankles. Government involvement was the last thing he needed. Anyone of real power getting wind of this disaster and its origin would destroy all future careers outside of window washing for Lex.

Not to mention what his damned father would say.

"No army. No anyone. We have to contain this in all areas, Harris. This is on need-to-know as of now, understood?"

"I gotcha, sir. Hopefully there won't be a panic."

We already have a panic, Lex thought, giving Clark a reassuring, albeit totally fake, smile as Harris lumbered back to work.

He was panicking enough for them all.

* * *

  
****

Part Three: The Media Gets Involved

Chloe Sullivan didn't run when she was in a hurry -- she trotted.

A colt in flair-bottom jeans; everything she carried bounced with her, riding the wave of enthusiasm and holding onto her by what looked like sheer force of Chloe-centric gravity.

Pete Ross, on the other hand, jogged painfully beside her. It must have been a very ineffectual way of keeping up as he was puffing like a broken steam engine. "Chloe, slow down. Clark, man ... talk to her, she's gone crazy."

Clark regarded them with a smile. "Gone crazy? I thought she started out that way."

Chloe ignored him. "We have a clue." She had trouble keeping her eyes on Clark, as one kept drifting over to the Talon where the Jell-O creature continued to ooze and chittle like a cicada.

She held up Pete's hand. In it was clutched a Plexiglas container. "We found this in Mr. MacGuire's delivery van that's parked down the street."

Clark favored her with a disapproving look. "You found that? Don't you mean you stole that from Mr. MacGuire's van? Doesn't that belong to him?"

"Not unless he works for Cadmus Labs," she replied. Chloe turned the container over and showed Clark the inventory label. "Smell it, Clark. Lime Jell-O, all the way. Whatever it is, I bet someone at that lab made it and let it loose in the Talon."

Lex was only half-listening to the conversation until this point. When the words "Cadmus Labs" and "made it" were uttered, he blanched and quickly prayed Clark didn't make the connection, but knew without looking it was too late.

Clark knew all about Lex's ownership of Cadmus Labs. It was he who'd caught Victoria trying to hack into its fictional financial reports, as well as noticing the blurb in the Planet's business section about Lex's takeover the next week.

Clark's interest in Lex, it seemed, extended to reading the business pages, even the fine print.

"We're going to do some research on them right now," said Chloe, before taking off again from her own internally designated starting line. "Come on, Pete," she yelled without turning around. "Put the lead on."

"And she's off ..." Pete moaned. He chased after her, limping sadly.

A moment of heavy silence followed. "Clark." Lex paused, trying to catch his breath. He actually felt dizzy with distress. "Let me ..."

"Lex," said Clark. He looked as sick as Lex felt. "Can we find somewhere else to talk? Alone?"

* * *

  
****

Part Four: The Romantic Interlude

He was alone with Clark and about to reveal all, but it wasn't quite how Lex had imagined it. He'd been thinking more along the lines of warm fireplaces or sunny meadows, not a musty storage room next door to a besieged Talon.

The painful discovery and anguish thing hadn't been part of the fantasy either.

Gone was Clark's warm defensive stance. In its place stood suspicion, anger and sorrow. "Okay, Lex. What's going on? Do you know anything about that thing that's outside?"

So many lies. What were a few dozen more?

But Lex couldn't do it. Not this time. Not with Clark looking at him as if the world were coming to an end. That life as they knew it would be no more.

That they would be no more. "Yeah, I do." His mouth was too dry. He wished for water but there was none. "It was an accident, Clark. I swear it. All I ever wanted was to find out more about the meteor rocks but that asshole Hamilton ... "

Lex didn't believe there was such a thing as too much information. But he knew right away that was a costly slip.

"You what? With who?" Horrified whisper, and Clark took a hurried step back as if being close to Lex caused him physical pain.

Oh, boy. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. "No, wait. I mean ..."

"I heard what you said. You've been sponsoring Dr. Hamilton, the man who set loose those flowers that nearly killed my father and friends and you're _still_ paying him ," Clark hyperventilated. "Now he's at it again. Oh my God, Lex. How could you?"

"I ... " Lex's breath was shortening too, in time with the terrified pounding of his heart. "I have to know, Clark. Don't you understand? I have to know but I can't do it alone. If I could, nothing like this would happen. I need these tools, these people, but I can't control them. Hamilton's a brilliant man ..."

"He's a fucking menace!" Clark cursed. It sounded so wrong. "I defended you time and time again and this is what you tell me? That the lunatics on your payroll are beyond your control? WHY, Lex? Why do you need to know so badly? What the hell is it? Because I'm telling you, Lex ... you're going to pay a lot more than money for whatever it is you're getting. A lot more"

"I ... I have to know what happened." Lex throat worked as he swallowed. Damn it, no tears. Not now, not ever. "To me. Something happened the day the meteors fell, Clark. More than the hair, it changed my life. It's changed me. Like the day you saved me ..."

"You told me you saw a limitless future the day I saved you, Lex," said Clark angrily. "But you don't think this obsession is limiting you? If you don't, you're wrong. It's creating a life for you that promises nothing but misery. Lonely misery. Because you'll never be able to control those people who do your dirty work to the extent you can guarantee they won't hurt anyone. And pretty soon, you'll want so much more, that you won't care anymore who or what gets hurt. You'll let them go wild, as long as you can solve your mystery of the moment."

Clark's breath hitched with every other word. "And that will be your life. Grasping at straws, destroying everything in your path ... friendless and alone. Damn it, Lex, I'm not sticking around to watch you turn into a creature like that. Because ..." Tears welled in his eyes, then rolled down his cheeks. He made no effort to wipe them away. "Because I love you too much. I couldn't bear it. It would kill me."

Love? "Clark ..." It was all he could say.

But Clark was rubbing at his face with his sleeve, totally deflated. "I have to go. I'm no help here. To anyone. Especially not to you." He gazed at Lex with tormented eyes. "Of all the people in this world to never be able to save ... I can't believe it's you. I love you so much and I can't do a damn thing to make this right. And you know why?"

Speechless, Lex shook his head.

"Because you're your own worst enemy. I can't get rid of one without getting rid of the other."

"I see." He wanted to cry now. But the tears refused to come. "So this is it then? No more friendship?"

"You pose a threat to people who are completely innocent, Lex. I'm sorry, but it's only right I put them first."

"I understand."

"No, you don't. And the worst thing is, I don't think you ever will," Clark said thickly. "Clean up your mess, Lex. I won't tell anyone it's yours. But the next one ..."

At last, language Lex understood. "You'll stop me at any cost?"

"Oh, it'll cost me, Lex. It'll cost me dearly." Clark sounded choked, as if he was going to cry again. Took a shuddering breath and his voice strengthened. He stood before Lex, tall and unbowed. "But understand this: I'll do it anyway."

* * *

  
****

Part Five: A Battle to The Death

When Lex went back onto the street nothing, and everything, had changed.

So the stupid slime creature from Hamilton's lab was vibrating and making disturbing noises from its nest atop the Talon. Big fucking deal.

Maybe he should throw himself into its mushy grip and be done with it.

Without Clark to believe in him, to understand him and stand by his side, everything seemed pointless. The experiments, the meteors, even the smug look he'd been dying to wipe off his father's face for what felt like an eternity seemed trivial. Petty, even.

That feeling infuriated him. He didn't understand how he could have let Clark get so close.

He understood even less how he could have let him go.

Hours passed. The Hazmat team dispersed, replaced by a fresh crew. The Sheriff and his deputies stood there, munching on donuts and fresh coffee courtesy of the elated staff at The Beanery.

Night fell over Main Street and Lex stood alone against the chill. He continued his vigil even after he sent home the second weary crew. The creature lay still and quiet as if sleeping, and eventually, most of the residents grew bored and drifted back to their cars.

Lex stayed where he was. Staring straight ahead and seeing nothing.

With every passing minute, it became clearer. Without Clark, somewhere in his life, it simply didn't matter anymore. He might as well pack it in too.

"Lex?"

Clark's voice. Probably a misery-induced hallucination but it was better than nothing "Mmmmm?"

"Lex. I've been thinking."

No hallucination. It was all one-hundred percent real Clark standing beside him. Lex felt a cautious surge of joy. "I have too. Clark ..." Please hear me. Please listen to me. Please forgive me. Please.

"What I said to you before, it wasn't fair."

"Of course it was."

"Please let me finish. It wasn't fair because these questions you're asking are legitimate ones. If something fell out of the sky and messed me up that badly, I'd want to try and understand it too. I'd want to know if it was some fluke or if something had been aiming for me all along. It's also unfair of me to berate you for your methods ...."

"Because they were legitimate too?"

"No, because you're just a dimwit sometimes."

"Oh."

"I have all the answers you need, Lex. And I was thinking, if I love you as much as I know I do ... then I can't keep them from you any longer." Clark stared at his shoes. "All I'm asking is for your understanding about why I haven't told you sooner. In a lot of ways I'm no better than you've been. Maybe worse."

"I doubt that. But you don't have to tell me. I'd rather live in the dark."

"No, you wouldn't," Clark laughed weakly. "So let's stop the lying." He reached out and brushed his fingertips against Lex's hand. "Both of us."

Warmth flooded Lex straight down to his toes. "If I told you how very much you mean to me ..."

"That I believe. Now ... I need a couple of things from you. You have to clear the area of _everyone_ and I mean _everyone_ for at least a mile from the site. No choppers, cameras off, just you and me. Can you do that?"

"Consider it done." He got on the phone and twenty minutes later Main Street was a ghost town. "There you go, Clark. What else should I do?"

"Try not to freak out. That would help, but I won't blame you if you do," said Clark. "By the way, for a scientist, your friend Hamilton is pretty stupid."

Hamliton. Just the name made Lex want to throw things. "Hamilton was never my friend and is no longer my employee. Just so you know."

"Right. Anyway, did he look into the possibility that there might have been microbes in those meteor rocks? Microbes that would find a perfect home in some nice sugary Jell-O?"

Lex thought for a moment. "Microbes? From the meteors. But Clark, that would mean that ... that thing is ..."

"Extraterrestrial. As am I."

There it was. Occam's Razor in three little words. The simplest of all explanations for Clark's mysterious otherworldly abilities; the ones he'd been so desperately trying to hide from Lex for so long.

Shock, hot and shivering, thrummed through Lex's nerves, as he tried to find some way to process the impossible.

He couldn't find the words. Didn't know if there were any.

Extraterrestrial. Not of this world. Jesus H. Christ.

"Like them, I came with the meteors that day, but in a ship. My parents found me in the field. I was, I guess, three years old, but I could have been three hundred for all I know," Clark continued. "I'm sorry you were hurt that day. I'm sorry that I've lied to you repeatedly. This is the truth, right here and right now. It's all I have, Lex. I'm sorry."

Lex held onto his head which felt like it was going to fall off. "Holy shit."

Clark didn't seem the least bit surprised or upset by Lex's outburst. "Yeah. That's what I said when my parents told me last year. I only found out about a lot of this stuff recently."

"About where you were from? They didn't tell you until last year?" Lex's shock turned into amazement. He thought the Kents were smarter than that.

"I was pretty pissed off. I still am. That's why I'm not playing the lies via omission game -- not with people I love. Of which you happen to be one, by the way."

Lex stared at Clark. Tried to see if there was anything different -- any tentacles or glowing parts he hadn't noticed before -- but no, it was the same bright-eyed, beautiful young man he'd known from Day One.

It was, as always, just Clark.

Clark withstood his examination patiently. It dawned on Lex that he probably spent every day looking in the mirror wondering the exact same things. Feeling the exact same fears.

Empathy filled Lex's heart. How sad and frightened Clark must be all the time, as well as alone. Just like Lex.

They were both aliens in a way. Both because of the meteor shower.

And they both were here. In spite of it. "It's okay, Clark," he said, even though it wasn't exactly okay, not yet, but he had a strong feeling it would be. Eventually. "And I'm sorry. Sorry I let my obsessions blind me. You were right about the going overboard part. I have ... certain compulsions. Although they're all intelligent compulsions, no matter what you say to the contrary," Lex clarified. "So, let's cut the juvenile name-calling shall we?"

Clark made a wry face. "I should go to Dimwits Anonymous. Hi, my name is Clark Kent and I'm in love with a dimwit."

Lex couldn't help but grin. This might turn out all right yet. "You're saying you're still in love with me?"

"Why not? This way I can look smug when I'm strapped to the vivisection table at Cadmus Labs."

"That will never happen, Clark. Ever." He had to understand that. He had to believe.

Clark shrugged. "If it did, it wouldn't matter anyway. Living would be the worse alternative if that were the case."

God, he was sweet. And in no way clueless. "Don't worry," was all Lex could say without letting Clark hear the choke in his voice. "Now, tell me. What did you plan on doing about ..."

He pointed at the creature who remained glued to the Talon, not caring about aliens, friends, lovers and lies.

"I have an idea," said Clark. "But I'm afraid you're really going to freak out."

"Trust me, Clark. If I'm not running down the street screaming my head off by now, nothing you can say will make me," Lex said. "But go on."

"I ... I can burn things with my eyes."

Lex gaped. Okay, that was freak-out material. "You can look at something and burn it?"

"Yeah. I can see through stuff too. Run really fast, lift heavy stuff. It's weird and honestly Lex, it scares me too."

"Wow." Lex turned thoughtful. "So you're going to fry this thing?"

"If I can." Clark looked very nervous. "I'm not that good at it yet, but I can give it a shot. Just stay next to me. I don't want set anything on fire by accident. Especially not you." He took a deep breath. "Okay, here goes nothing."

An intense look of concentration and Lex watched, fascinated, as Clark's eyes went from hazel to dark brown then to bright red, glowing like embers in a fire. Brilliant crimson beams shot out with shocking suddenness. Like a fine blowtorch, the laser-thin lines began scorching a path up to the Talon, burning the sidewalk black as they moved.

The creature began to squeak and jiggle as acrid smoke drifted up around it and Lex felt a weird pang. No ... wait. This wasn't right.

"Clark. Hold on. Stop!" Lex squeezed Clark's arm and the red beams instantly disappeared.

"What?" Clark rubbed his eyes, panting with exertion. "What's wrong?"

"Clark, let's think this through for a minute. Do we really want to destroy creatures from your home planet no matter how insignificant we think they are?"

Clark looked suddenly stricken. "I ... I hadn't thought of that."

"They could be your only living relatives. In a very distant way, of course." The scientist within Lex crept to the forefront. "And, as unattractive as whatever this thing is, it's still a living entity. Considering it's extraterrestrial it might very well be sentient by your planet's standards. Intelligent, thinking life."

"But it's eating the Talon. How smart can it be?"

"Who knows? It might be saving the universe from tacky curtains."

"I think it's eating the sugar. But you're right, Lex. The thing is, though, how can we know?"

"Communication is the answer. Maybe you should try talking to it."

"I should talk to the Jell-O? Now I'm wondering if you're sentient."

"Listen, Clark," said Lex. "I'm not pretending I have all the answers. But why kill needlessly without giving another method half a shot? Maybe it'll recognize your voice patterns as something familiar. Something from home. Maybe it's brilliant and understands English by now. Who the hell knows? But it's worth a try. Don't you agree?"

"Okay. But what should I tell it?"

"Tell it that it's in danger. That it needs a safe home and you'll provide it with one. Tell it about your Mom's pies, for heaven's sake. It's already sampled them."

"Okay. If you say so." Clark slowly edged toward the mass and addressed it. "Um, hello. I come in peace. How are you?"

No answer.

He made a helpless gesture at Lex, who silently encouraged him to continue. "Listen, you and I are from the same place. I have no idea where that is, but I guess but that makes us, um ... I dunno. Related? Anyway, if I can, I'd like to help you out. This isn't a very good situation we're in right now, for either you or the people who live here, so if you would just maybe, sort of, um, come with us instead?"

Again, no response.

"Look, I promise that Lex and I will keep you safe and if it's pies you want ... well, my mom's the one who makes them."

This received a burble of what might have been interest.

Encouraged, Clark continued. "You can have as many as you like. Apple, blueberry, peach ... she makes an awesome strawberry rhubarb. And most importantly, you'll be safe. Which you won't be if you stay here. So, how about it?"

At this, the creature made a noise that, at first, sounded like the beginning cycle of a dishwasher. A faint hum that grew louder and louder until Clark had to step back and cover his ears with his hands. Lex followed suit and they huddled together as the mass began to congeal, pulling back from Talon inch by inch.

More hissing, more sucking noises, and the creature shank until they heard one final "pop!"

What remained sitting on the sidewalk was no bigger than Clark's fist and resembled something akin to a snail, sans the shell. Dark green antennas with tiny eyes waved atop its head and it stared at Clark closely, alien to alien.

"Freaky," Clark breathed.

Lex leaned in closely to examine it. Felt the smile crease his face from ear to ear. "Beautiful."

Clark beamed at him, forcing Lex to reach out, brush his hand along Clark's cheek and go in for a kiss. It was soft, slow, hot and possibly the best thing in the universe, known and unknown.

He pulled away, breathless and happier than he ever remembered being. "Just beautiful," he whispered.

* * *

  
****

Part Six: The Happy Ending

Some days later, Lex Luthor found himself to be the only human on Earth to ever enjoy the singular distinction of having not one, but two, honest-to-goodness aliens in his bedroom.

The first, a snail-like creature named "Sugar," was reclining in a spacious well-lit tank at the far end of the room. It sat atop one of Martha Kent's famous homemade organic apple pies, absorbing it from the inside out with quiet, content slurps.

The second, a heavenly creature named Clark, lay cuddled beneath the comforter in Lex's bed, sleeping soundly. He was also making quiet, content noises as Lex idly ran a hand through his hair while clicking through the TV channels.

From the set came a canned scream. Huge, dripping letters filled the screen.

"You'll shudder at THE TERROR! Your heart will pound with FEAR! You've never seen ANYTHING LIKE IT!"

"Yeah, right," Lex muttered.

Hordes of screaming extras ran past the camera.

Pussies, Lex thought disdainfully. "Come to my world," he sneered at the television. "You wouldn't last a minute, you wimps."

"Lex?" Clark's sleepy voice interrupted his mocking. "You okay?"

Lex clicked off the TV. "I'm fine, he said. He leaned down to kiss Clark's warm temple. "Sorry. Just watching some late night monster movie."

Clark yawned. "That stuff is so stupid."

"Tell me about it." Lex wriggled down beneath the blanket. Clicked off the lights and snuggled in close. "Goodnight Clark."

"Goodnight, Lex."

"Goodnight, Sugar."

"Slurp."

* * *

  
****

The Terrifying Post-Credit Twist

The tank glowed, throwing eerie shadows across the room. Inside, the alien named "Sugar" was watching. And waiting.

Oh, but those freakish bipeds were fools. Look at them, sleeping away, without a care in universe. Little did they know the truth.

Sugar waved its antennas and returned to its meal.

Today, it was Mom's apple pie.

Tomorrow ... the world.

* * *

fin


	2. I, Sugar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I, SUGAR by ingrid

I, SUGAR by ingrid

(Notes: Some people have asked me for a continuation of "Sugar's" story. So, here it is, for better or worse.)

~*~

It's been thirty-seven rotations of this unknown planet since the night I agreed to restrictive captivity in the sleeping room of one "Lex" and "Clark."

At least I think that's what their names are, either that or their mating cries are incredibly dull and lacking in variety. I'm almost sorry I have no interest in nature science since the frequency and urgency of their couplings would make an interesting study, if one could stomach the noisy rutting of hideous bipeds seven days a week.

And while my quarters are comfortable and not lacking for excellent cuisine, the time has come for me to journey forth and begin my great mission

The enslavement of this planet and its inhabitants.

From my observations, it appears this species spends most of its time either mating or watching an electronic image device they call a "tee-vee" with the occasional break taken for eating foods off of each other's naked bodies, so I'm not expecting too much resistance.

The universal destruction of the device they call a "ree-moat" will likely result in continuous mating and the withholding of a creamy white food substance squirted from a pressurized can will have them crushed and willing to accept my absolute rule.

There is only one drawback. I must find the source of my own sustenance and ensure its safety. This sweet, delicious creation I cannot live without, the food Clark calls "pie." This is imperative, for without this delicacy, my mission will surely not be worth the effort.

So, it is decreed. I must find this biped, The One Who Makes The Pie.

I must find the creature called "Mom."

~*~

My escape in the morning goes smoothly enough. The two bipeds named Clark and Lex are fast asleep, exhausted from a particularly energetic night of mating. It surprises me I have yet to see any indications of reproduction, so I must conclude that it's achieved in some other, even more heinous, manner.

I slide out of the residence and along the dirt roads at top speed. My sense of smell is sharp, refined with hunger as I have forgone my beloved "pies" for two days to make sure I can easily find their source, not to mention losing some of the excess weight these delicacies have burdened me with.

Soon I come to a pleasant green land dotted with colorful flora. I must say, at time this planet is as pretty as Krypton, except for that place where I originally discovered the pies -- The Talon, I think it was called.

IThat/I place certainly had the ugliest scenery in the universe.

I enter the house through a small space beneath the door. I secure a deep intake of the atmosphere and ah, yes .

There is the smell of pie. The greatest of all foods. And lo and behold, behind the crude countertop, I see The One.

The Creator. It is she who makes the pies and she is

Lovely.

Lovely for a freakish biped, that is. Her hair is golden-red like the Firelakes of Crytle, her deep set eyes (as terrifying as they are in their construction and placement) are as blue as the Seas of Loralahnk.

I am taken aback by her charms. Then again, how can the creator of these pies be anything but a goddess, biped or not.

Amazingly, she starts to sing. Her voice is heavenly. I stop to listen and wonder.

"Just call me angel of the morning "

Great Towers of Plonk, she puts the songbirds to shame.

"Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby."

Suddenly, I have decided. She, this biped beauty, will be my Queen and rule this planet at my side, for all eternity.

"Baby, bab-eee "

I take a moment to make myself presentable. I know she'll be unable to resist me, but unlike those other bipeds who can't be happy unless they are licking each other constantly, I plan on a more cerebral type of mating ritual.

She is worthy of such effort and I glide up to the counter, where she is chopping up ingredients for her next masterpiece.

Using utmost care, I puff myself up to a majestic size, at least three times of what I was. Her mouth opens at the sight of me and while I wince a little at the strange protuberances revealed, her inner beauty holds me captivated still.

I start the song of mating, a high-pitched chittering call.

She is instantly impressed.

'AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHH!"

Her screams of joy are loud and long. I expand to an even greater size.

A cooking instrument falls from her hand. "JONATHAN!"

"Honey! Honey, what's wrong?!"

I swing one eye back and behind me stands an oafish brute of a biped, as ugly and stupid-looking as can be. He stares at me open-mouthed, his miniscule brain surely wondering at the magnificence before him.

He is preparing to worship me as a god no doubt, but I don't have the time or inclination to humor his primitive instincts.

My Queen awaits.

"It's that damn Jell-O creature from the Talon! Hold on, honey, I'll get the gun."

He runs to a small indoor shed and pulls out a rustic instrument made entirely of antiquated metals. He fumbles with its workings and that's all the time I need to lift my hindquarters and squirt out my defensive fluids which make immediate, and painful, contact.

"GLRUGH!" he cries, dropping the "gun." "Argufflefuffle!"

"Sweetheart!"

My love seems upset and runs over to the fool, giving him much aid and comfort. This confuses me greatly. How could such a graceful and beauteous creature be so kind to such a lowly form of life? I'm instantly led to a terrible conclusion.

Is it possible this dimwitted brute forced her into mating with him?

My sense of honor is instantly offended. How dare he, the blubbering biped ape, think he can claim such a prize for his own?

I will not have it. It will not be.

And just as I'm about to aim the death blow, the door flies open and who is standing there, scowling mightily, holding what appears to be a large glass jar?

Who else? My original nemesis the Kryptonian biped, Clark, along with the bald one, Lex.

I knew there was a reason I never liked those other Kryptonians, let alone their surly mates from this strange planet.

"Bad Sugar!" Clark cries, slamming the jar over me, making me a prisoner once more. I know better than to fight back -- Kryptonian bipeds develop odd strengths beneath yellow suns. He wags a long finger at me. "Bad, bad, bad!"

Lex kneels over the brutish one and gives his assessment on the extent of my assault. "I think Sugar crapped on him."

Clark glowers at me. "No apple pie for you tonight."

"Apple pie?" My Queen looks concerned. "Clark what's going on?"

He looks embarrassed. "Mom um remember that Jell-O creature from the Talon? Well, Lex and I kinda, you know, kept it. We've been kind of been feeding it your pies and "

My lady's upper limbs rest upon her hips. She does not looked pleased. "I thought those were for Lex."

Now the bald one looks ashamed. "Not to be facetious, Mrs. Kent, but I think I'd be a little heavier if I ate all those pies. Not that they're not delicious, but "

The One Called Mom definitely does not look happy. She points at me. "When was the last time you fed him? And don't you lie to me, Clark Kent. Remember when we had that poor dog you wanted so badly?"

Suddenly, I see an opening. I chirp and squeak most pitifully, begging for succor. If she can be kind to that drooling moron of a mate

Clark blinks stupidly. "I I dunno. Two days ago? Lex?"

His mate shrugs helplessly. "I don't feed it. That's your job, isn't it?"

My Queen purses her royal lips. "I'm very disappointed in you, Clark. You too, Lex. You can't claim responsibility for a living thing and then let it starve. No wonder it came here. It was looking for something to eat, the poor thing."

The brutish one rises, dripping. "Martha, honey. This is some horrible creature from outer space, so how could you "

The angry glare he receives from all three bipeds at this statement is palpable.

"That's enough," My Queen decrees sternly. The male bipeds cringe. "Clark, put the jar over there and get whatever tank you were holding this creature in and bring it over here, right now."

Even the Kryptonian knows better than to disobey. "Yes, Mom."

"Lex, go with Clark and make sure he doesn't forget anything. He's very scatterbrained lately. And as for you, Jonathan Kent " Her blue eyes sparkle furiously. "We'll talk later."

"Yes, dear," he says meekly and follows the other two out the door.

I purr with gratitude and happiness as she taps on the jar, smiling. "Don't you worry, sweetie. I have a nice hot apple pie just waiting for you." She "tsks" and returns to her marvelous creation. "Poor little thing."

Ah. I settle back into my new home, content and happy in knowing that my plans are soon to come to their complete fruition. First, I claim my Queen

Then I claim the world.

~*~

fin

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: A million apologies the makers of "The Blob." Oh wait, they should be apologizing to ME. Nevermind. Instead, I'll apologize to all of you. Thanks for reading - ingrid


End file.
